Panic

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Do you ever get those moments when your brain turns into a total bitch and just thinks up every possible problem within your relationship and decides that the worst possible reason is totally responsible?

Like recently, for instance, my bfs been distant.. The odd random day of silence, ignoring me at random times, replying really late and kind of avoiding some things that I’ve been saying…
His excuse; he’s been ill.. Totally understandable, would explain it…
my brains excuse; he’s cheating.. No evidence, no real reasoning, it would also explain the absence but being ill works perfectly fine so why fuck everything up?

I have no real reason not to trust him.. He let me down once the whole time I’ve known him and even then he had a pretty solid reason.
My only reason is other guys
Obviously not all guys are the same… For instance.. one guy just strung me along for months.. another lied, cheated and violated me.
But just because they fucked up doesn’t mean that my bf now is, there’s be no real logic linking him to their actions. Yet my brain still does it and then I freak out.

But what am I meant to do at this stage? The only thing that I think might help is by asking him and him telling me that there’s no one else. But I don’t want him to think that I don’t trust him. I’m just being stupid and I know that but I need him to confirm it. I don’t see how I can though without throwing our relationship outta balance. It sure as hell isn’t perfect as it is but I’m not sure if I wanna risk messing it up even more. I’m hoping he’ll understand but it’s quite a big ask when he could think that I’m accusing him of cheating…

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I don’t know

Everything just feels like its too much. I feel physically and emotionally ill. When did things get so messed up?

Fuck life

Just once I want things to be ok

Just a bf that talks. An ex that isn’t suicidal.

I don’t expect the world to be full of rainbows everyday but just sometimes, you know? Every now and again to remind you that it’s possible, that good things can happen.

Just a little magic in life

Fuck you

Just because its over that doesn’t give you the right to talk to me like I’m nothing. Like I’m some stupid bitch who doesn’t matter.
It’s all about you and what you want and claim to need. But what about what I want and I need? Besides if you really needed that stuff so badly you wouldn’t have just given it all up, you would’ve cared when you actually had it not just thrown it all away.
You act like you never did anything wrong. Like it was all me. But if it was then why was I the one spending my nights crying? Why am I still doing that?
You can’t just blackmail someone into talking when they don’t wanna talk. It’s just not right. And I’d say being shouted at and insulted is a pretty good reason for not wanting to talk.
You hurt me. Bad. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t care that its over but just because I’m not fighting for something that hurt me that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you, that I don’t still care about you.
It’s my choice how I deal with leaving you and just because you don’t agree with it doesn’t mean you can pass judgement. I lost you but it was either you or myself so why shouldn’t I try and make the most outta my life and try and be happy?
It’s not right for you to keep hurting me and there’s only so much I can take….

What if?

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One of the most annoying questions ever. Just creeps up on you when you’re feeling vulnerable and then your mind goes into over drive. Thinking of a hundred different outcomes for a hundred different scenarios. The worst thing is you never really know the answer. You can speculate and guess and even have a pretty good informed idea about what might’ve been but you never really know.

It’s like when you think about your future. Unless you’re thinking about something that purely only involves you and has no extrinsic factors that may influence it, you never know.

Whoever came up with the word certain was an idiot. Can you ever really be certain about anything. Like truly 100% and even if you can how do you know it won’t change. Our lives are full of uncertainty. The world is full of inconsistencies, illusions and the unknown. Even if you think you know something it can change. Your thoughts can be manipulated so what you know becomes unknown and what was unknown becomes known.

But how much can you really know about something or someone? There’s different theories, different perspectives. And most importantly things change. With no warning, with no sign of what to expect. Things just change and we have to adapt

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Love

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So things obviously haven’t been easy recently and there’s been so many ups and downs it’s been hard to keep up at times. But there’s one that never changed and that’s my love for him. It takes a lot of strength to go through all of the shit that we have recently and looking back I’m honestly not really sure how I managed sometimes. I did have some help though. I have truly amazing friends. And right now I feel like I have everything a girl really needs. People that love me ❤

Just So You Know (If Only)

So beautiful and so true ❤

Ikenna Okoro

Just So You Know (If Only) by Ikenna Okoro

If only you knew
how I want to be with you,
we would be together,
no matter the weather.

If only you heard
the love songs in my head,
we would dance
to my melodious romance.

If only you felt
how you make my heart melt,
we would desire
nothing but this passion of fire.

Read poem’s background: Just So You Know (If Only)

Image: coolchaser.com

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Everything will be ‘OK’?

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O. K. Just two letters. Is that really enough? To be me ok isn’t good. Ok is satisfactory, contentment, nonchalance. But what do we do when things are just ok? Do we really want a relationship that is just ok? But what if we don’t? Then what happens? Just argue about the things that are ok and not good? What will that really achieve?

I miss him

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I miss him. The real him.

The him that would argue pointless silly things, like who would win a fight out of superman and batman.
The him that would call me up for no reason and would just stay on the phone not saying anything just cause he likes knowing I’m there.
The him that would do anything for me if I asked.
The him that gave up smoking for me.
The him that freaked out so badly when I left before because he cared that much.
The him that would make the sweetest little things for me at work.
The him that would look at the moon to feel close to me.
The him that would kick up a fuss about having to hang up the phone.
The him that gave me his bracelet so we’d have one each.
The him that wants me to walk up the stairs in front of him.
The him that called me his girlfriend without thinking.
The him that would just watch me with that special look in his eyes that was just for me…

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When hope is just a desperate attempt at happiness

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I don’t know how much more I can take of things being off between us. I know I said I was hopeful and I still am but what if that isn’t enough? How can I base our whole relationship on hope?

I’m not strong enough for this… The heartbreak, the let downs, being hurtover and over again.

I can’t keep crying, I just can’t anymore. I love him and want nothing more than to be with him but not like this. I miss him. I miss us.

I just don’t know what to do…

Hope

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So we’ve actually been talking kinda normally these last couple of days. I’m not really sure what it means though. It just happened so fast. Things just keep changing.. and although that’s a good thing cause I’ve hated how things have been this last week.. I’m just not really sure if it’s a good change in the long run. It’s like I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.. A future for us…. But if that doesn’t happen and I’ve just gotten my hopes up for no reason then I’m gonna be crushed (well even more crushed).

Yesterday I couldn’t even watch an old video of him. I got not even halfway through before I just had to stop it. It broke my heart to think that what he was saying might no longer be true… That I might not be his world or he might not be in love with me.. I know he loves me, that’s obvious, so I know there must be a chance that he’s still in love with me. I just don’t feel loved.
Watching that video now just fills me with hope. If he felt that way once then there’s a chance he will again. Or maybe those feelings just never went away.. not deep down.

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